


i was once where you are now (and i know it's not easy)

by loonyBibliophile



Series: maybe i won't die alone [4]
Category: The Librarians (TV 2014)
Genre: Autistic Cassandra Cillian, Gen, Multi, Reluctant Magic Grandpa Jenkins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 07:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loonyBibliophile/pseuds/loonyBibliophile
Summary: “How are your powers coming along, Cassandra?” Jenkins called, entering the corner of the library Cassandra had hidden herself away in quietly and slowly.“Good! Fine!” she chirped, nodding rapidly and making the braids on her beanie bob in time with the tufts of her curls, just long enough to start peeking out of the knit in wisps. Her eyes blew wide when she smiled at him, showing all of her teeth.~Please read previous works in this series first!~





	i was once where you are now (and i know it's not easy)

“How are your powers coming along, Cassandra?” Jenkins called, entering the corner of the library Cassandra had hidden herself away in quietly and slowly. 

“Good! Fine!” she chirped, nodding rapidly and making the braids on her beanie bob in time with the tufts of her curls, just long enough to start peeking out of the knit in wisps. Her eyes blew wide when she smiled at him, showing all of her teeth. 

“Still struggling then, I see. Where’s Mister Jones? Doesn’t he usually help you with your practice?” Jenkins sat down on an armchair a few feet from the corner Cassandra had slumped herself in, on the floor next to two adjacent bookcases.

“I didn’t want to bother him. He’s been helping me a lot lately, and I don’t want him to get tired of it. Or of me, I suppose.” 

“Miss Cillian, I don’t think Mr. Jones has ever done something he truly didn’t want to.” Jenkins smiled at her warmly, and Cassandra offered him a small grin in return. 

“I know. I just worry.” she shrugged, moving a hand up to tug on the braids of the beanie. 

“I’ve been where you are, Miss Cillian. Young, a life you never expected spread out before you, a bigger fate than you could have ever predicted. It feels unfathomably large, and utterly overwhelming.”

“Does it ever get any easier?” she looks up at him, eyes tired. 

“Yes and no. I’m likely not the best point of reference, having been around for so long. Sometimes it feels easier, others it doesn’t. I suppose that’s how most things go, really.” he looked at her sympathetically. 

“Do you think I can do this?” her voice wavered, and her teeth sunk into her lip for just a moment, before she rapidly switched back to pulling at the braids of her hat once more. 

“Cassandra Cillian, I have not a shred of doubt in my mind that you can and will conquer whatever this strange world we live in may throw your way. After all, you’ve done wonderfully so far.” 

“But I haven’t! That’s the thing! The first thing I did as a Librarian was almost get all of you killed to save myself, and I overuse magic, and for the longest time none of you could trust me because I hallucinated all the time and also, as I said, I almost killed all of you! Not to mention what a nightmare I was when I got ahold of that apple. I was the worst of us. I was going to kill people!” Cassandra waved her hands wildly, clenching her fists and pulling her nails up into her palms. 

“You have made mistakes. We have all made mistakes. And you were given a very different sort of life than any of us. Your experiences are particular and unique. But, for all those supposedly bad things you’ve done, none of them has ever come to fruition. You saved Flynn’s life. The apple was merely a spell. You admit when you’ve gone overboard with magic. Being a good person, Cassandra, is about admitting when you are wrong, and working to improve yourself. Not about never making a mistake in the first place. That’s simply impossible.” Jenkins put a reassuring hand on Cassandra’s shoulder. “Now, would you like some tea?”

“Vanilla chamomile? With honey?” Cassandra looked up, her hands stilled in her lap. Jenkins nodded. “And Jenkins?”

“Yes, Miss Cillian?”

“Thank you.”

“Any time, Cassandra. I will return momentarily.” he replied, as he exited the room to head down to the kitchen. 

While he was gone, Cassandra pressed her back to the bookshelf and her palms flat to the floor, taking a series of deep, even breaths. In a whisper, she counted to ten in English, then French, Spanish, German, and Japanese. A few minutes later, Jenkins reentered the room with a silver tray holding cream, sugar, two tea cups, and a tea pot. He set them on an end table, then gently tugged that and his chosen armchair closer to where Cassandra sat on the floor. 

“So, now that you’ve calmed down, would you like to tell me the real reason you’re hiding from Mister Jones?” Jenkins took a sip of his tea. 

“He got a call from Cindy a few days ago, she wanted to hang out but he was already hanging with me. I told him it was okay, so he went. But then he came back. She thought it was a date, he thought he was just going to hang out with a friend. So when it became clear she had romantic intentions, he came back, and he brought us pastries from that patisserie off the Seine I love.” Cassandra frowned deeply, pressing her hands against the warm porcelain of her tea cup. 

“I’m not sure what your problem with this situation is. Mister Jones came back to spend time with you and brought a peace offering. He didn’t intend to go on a date with Cindy, so he left and returned to you. That seems like fairly standard courtship to me, Miss Cillian.” 

“Courtship?!” Cassandra squawked, then immediately flung her head from side to side to see if anyone could have been listening in. “What are you talking about?” she whisper hissed “Ezekiel and I are not dating!”

“Courting happens before you date, Miss Cillian. At least it did in my time which, admittedly, was awhile ago, and I was never much for romance.” He took another sip of tea, raising his eyebrow at her. 

“I don’t know how to do this, Jenkins.” Cassandra said finally, after a long pause. She bit her lip, then seemed to think better of it, shaking her head and taking a sip of tea. “When I was a kid I was, you know, the weird one, and then I was dying, and now I’m not dying, but our lives are still dangerous and I’m still unstable and… I really care about Ezekiel. Our friendship is incredibly important to me, and I don’t know if attempting to be more than friends is worth losing that. I’m not very good with change.” she set her tea down and tugged her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. 

“Cassandra, all that would change if you entered into a relationship with Mister Jones would be your level of physical intimacy. A relationship and a friendship are not wholly different beasts. One is neither more nor less than the other, but they are not that different, in the end.”

“But… what if he doesn’t like me that way?” Cassandra frowned again, slowly spinning her tea cup around on the saucer. 

“Don’t play coy, Cassandra. I know precisely how bright you are, and while you might not be an expert on people or romance the way you are math and science, I know you can tell Ezekiel Jones is different around you than the others.” Jenkins fixed her with a look, and she sighed. 

“I’m just scared.” she said with a shrug. 

“Perfectly reasonable. But I’ve never thought you to be one who lets fear get in the way of achieving your goals.” Taking the last sip of his tea, Jenkins moved to get up and leave the alcove. 

“Jenkins?” Cassandra asked, her voice quiet, as she pulled herself up from the floor “Could I have a hug?”

“Only because it’s you, Miss Cillian.” Jenkins said, playfully rolling his eyes. Cassandra grinned, and gave her mentor a hug, relishing in the warmth and solidity of another person. 

“Thank you. For everything.” she whispered.

“As I said, Cassandra. Any time.” and with that, he patted her on the shoulder and took his leave. 

On his way back to the annex room, Jenkins ran into Ezekiel. 

“Jenkins! You haven’t seen Cassandra have you?” Ezekiel leaned eagerly up onto his toes, grinning. 

“Why do you ask?” 

“Well, I was bored, so I decided to take the back door somewhere random for kicks, and I found the weirdest museum and —”

“She’s in that little alcove made by the overlapping bookcases in the reading room.” Jenkins said, with a soft, secret smile. 

“Thanks!” 

“And Mister Jones?” Jenkins offered over a shoulder as he walked away “Be gentle with her, will you?”

“Whatever you say, old man.” Ezekiel said playfully, then raced off to the reading room.

**Author's Note:**

> I absolutely had to get a Jenkins heavy chapter in here. I absolutely adore his relationship with Cassandra, I definitely see them as mentor and protege, and him as a sort of fatherly/grandfatherly figure for her. There will be at least one more fic in this verse!


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